Prior to the Moose, I worked full-time and pursued my career with great intensity. Hubby and I were equals, at some points in our relationship making the same amount of money. We equally shared housework, funtimes, money, everything. The biggest adjustment to this SAHM gig is losing that equality. You would think, almost a year into it, maybe we have it figured out. But I honestly think no matter how open two people are, there is a bottom line non-equalizer: Men will never understand what we do and what we need. Don’t get me wrong, they will get it after the fact (when we explain it to them), but not a second before. Oh yeah, and for SAHM who are still breastfeeding, I know the men will never understand just how malnourished and famished we are!! Just another thing to put us over the edge.
Just a quick recap of this evening:
Hubby has had a tough, tough week at work. He is top management for a manufacturing plant that just did some huge layoffs with more to come. He has burned off some steam this week – played ball last night, took one of his guys out for a quick drink another night. So he tells me this morning he is going to happy hour with the HR guy at 4:00 PM, and he will be home at his regular time (around 6:30 PM).
I have had a tough, tough week with the Moose. He is not into sleeping lately, which means I don’t get any sleep at night. Hubby’s parents are coming into town tonight (Friday), so I spend all week cleaning up the house and trying to keep a crazy, mobile Moose entertained. I spend all day doing final clean-ups, going to the store, stocking up. All I want is to have a nice dinner with hubby tonight before his folks come in. Moose is not letting me do anything. He is tired, hungry, tired and is only happy when I am holding him. I can’t make dinner. I am starving. It is 7 PM and Hubby isn’t home yet. I am annoyed, but I know I can’t blame him. I still have to clean the guest bath. Not that his parents care, but it smells like sweaty feet and gym socks because that is where hubby dumps his dirty shit after playing ball.
So do I complain? Yeah, I tell him I am a little stressed out, but I know I have no place to complain about a few hours of lost sleep compared to the guilt and stress of layoffs. But shit, I just want a little something more than “I’m sorry”.
I want a job so I can have money to spend on me again. I want a job so I can do something all day besides trying to entertain an almost 1 yr old and listen to Sesame Street. I want to be able to call Hubby and say, “I’m grabbing a drink with the girls tonight” with no further explanation because he knows he has to look after the Moose. I want to be able to have a full night’s sleep because “I have to work tomorrow”. I would LOVE to come home one day to a clean house with a nice dinner and a happy baby.
But then I look at my sweet-eyed baby and that damn Mommy-guilt sets in. I think that’s the real deal, men have NO clue what Mommy-guilt is, does, where in the hell it comes from. Hubby tries to understand, but he always says “But Moose is fine, why do you feel so guilty?”
I wonder how things work in the Beatie household. (For those who don’t know, the Oregon transgender male who gave birth to his daughter). Does he get Mommy guilt? Is it a hormonal woman thing or is it the stay-at-home role that creates it? Do SAH-Dad’s have this guilt?!?!
Ugh. Enough venting. I feel much better now. And I am excited about my in-laws coming. I can’t wait to see their faces light up when they see Moose. And I can’t wait to be pampered just a little by my mother-in-law. She will gladly take the Moose for a walk and let me have some time to myself. Or with Hubby. We’ll see.